This has been quite the year and I anxiously await Karina, version 34.0.
But writing starts a little early this year and it begins with celebrating a wonderful man who is no longer with us. This man mad me laugh and smile the few times I spoke with him. He could have been my brother-in-law. He is the reason that I know, love, and cherish his brother. And today would have been the first day of his celebration: Sladjanika. I think he would have found idea a little silly but would have humored me. We would have concocted wonderful plans to celebrate with friends and family. Since he isn't with us anymore, we celebrate in his honor.
I asked Ivi what Sladjan's favorite things were.
-Hang out with friends (fake and real)
-Cook something
-Talk to an interesting stranger
-Eat sour cherry pie
-Spend time with family
-Spend time with partner
-Motivate someone
-Think happy thoughts
-Come up with a new idea
-Make and/or drink juice
-Watch a movie like Emerald Forest
Our hope is to do at least one of these things a day, to celebrate and feel close to him after he passed away so quickly this year. And thank god we decided to because it was the only thing that got me out of bed today.
I've been tired lately, swirling in a mixture of longing for my partner, professional power struggles/lessons and biological confusion with the seasonal change. Were I an even less logical person, I would heed my animalistic instincts and burrow into the dark loam until spring. But instead, the burrower dressed in biz cas and jetted down the expressway.
I love work-in-the-field days and today was one. But instead the early a.m. darkness of my room found me to be all resistance. I was all the cranky pants and if I were five years old there would have been a loud, aggressive tantrum accompanying me as I made my way to the bathroom.
I made it through my day and I made it through my commitment of celebrating my brother in law: I came up with a new idea for my clients, drank some juice, motivated a student and spend some electronic time with my partner. My hope is to do at least one Sladjanic thing a day during this celebration and to continue the tradition for as many years as possible.
I hoped "think happy thoughts" could have been checked off the list but, by the end of the day, I knew it was pointless. I was gritted teeth, white knuckles and that was that. Then, while practicing my Serbian read aloud which came in the form of poem Ivi once read to me "...Ja ne zabranjujem ništa. Sme se sve što se ne sme....", grace came. It was like the fall wind blowing mist, bangs, tears away from my eyes. And I noticed the wonderful Serbian influences that were there because of Sladjan and his endless love of fascinating people.
There's a few of Sladjan's cookbooks on my kitchen counter,
the world map resting on the wall with a picture of Ivi and myself sharing a kiss that spans the Atlantic,
several "Learn Serbian" books for a kindergartener to an adult traveler,
Serbian apps on my phone for translations and radio stations,
books of poetry that Ivi gave me on my last trip,
books that Sanja, the Serbian admin assistant I randomly met at a school, gifted me when she learned of our story,
the purse that my soon-to-be Serbo-Austrian sister in law gave me, white with black lace inlay that always makes me feel more dressed up than I am,
the pictures my soon-to-be nieces drew for me, mentioning how nice it was to meet me and how much they appreciate my love for their uncle,
the book I got from the library about Balkan history, the smallest out all of my choices but no less dense,
the rakija/Serbian brandy my soon-to-be father in law gave me after my first trip that makes me laugh and feel slightly queasy every time I see it.
And most amazingly, there is this love that I carry deep within me. Maybe depth is the wrong word because it is not a far away, fixed point but instead a constant warmth at the molecular level. Each cell carrying the light of my partner's love. A love steadily given and felt, regardless of the 8,000 km difference. I've never experienced something like this. As my fascination with it grows, so does it's meshing/embedding within me and I think of it less as a cautious risk and more of an alternative category for exemplary couples.
And so at 9:33 pm, I also add "think happy thoughts" to the Sladjanika accomplishments knowing well that he was a catalyst for every single one.
No comments:
Post a Comment