35-50 mph winds and my hair

35-50 mph winds and my hair part two

Write!

One of my pieces for Becca's zine on romance.

"I fashioned you into existence, although your parents might righteously deny it.
But I know the truth.
I knew you could exist even though I had no proof.
The Italians say that the right man comes at the right time
So while awaiting your arrival, I fashioned myself upon becoming the right woman.

Years went by, my belief faltering here and there
Nights spend sobbing, furious with this addiction I have to hoping, to believing to see.
And then after such pain and demanding, there you were chasing after me.
I was ready.

I’ve been advised not share too much with you, that it is a mistake.
The larger the allure, the more powerful the lure.
But this is them implying that I have a small fixed amount of myself to share, like a shallow well, some minor mine shaft...
They have no fucking clue.

Sharing of myself is critical to my functioning,
just as air rhythmically releases from my breast so do the water of my words.
Besides if I need to withhold myself, and thus trick you into their version of love, how true can that connection be?
What an exhaustive exercise only thickening the mask between the you and me that would be!
No, no, no.
Your boredom is your prerogative and I am anything but boring, even at my most quiet.

So the choice is yours as I chose not to waste my 'me' on painting veiled self-portraits, air-brushing out my details.
If you prefer layers between us than I am not your woman.
But if you love the purest stream of light than I am yours forever."

The Work of Fear

While hanging out at my friend Beth's house I saw this sign hanging from her back door.

"I must not fear. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn my inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

It's so simple and true. Yet every time fear braces my mind, doubt chasing possibility after possibility into a sterile steel cage, I feel like all will is forfeit. But then it passes, as it always does, and I think "What was I so worried about anyway?". I shuffle along completely unconscious of the tricks fear pulls. I have a lot of fear these days but I am permitting it to pass over me, so that only I will remain.

Fall

Happy Birthday to me! The world is getting better!

A great article about a company that is environmentally conscious, worker appreciative and prosperous.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kimberly-freeman-brown/you-say-tomato-i-say-awes_b_755550.html

Our happiness levels can be raised! Genes be damned!

http://news.discovery.com/human/happiness-genes-childhood.html#mkcpgn=rssnws1

How we are actually living in one of the most compassionate times in human history. Go us!

http://www.freewillastrology.com/beauty/beauty.main389.shtml

It's been a great half Karinika so far. Looking forward to the next half and all of the Karinika gifts I get to give away!

These lackluster slow times

I've been spoiled by many things in this lifetime: international adventures, a manic sense of spontaneity/serendipity and incredibly supportive parents to name a few. These gifts have given me many things to talk about and many ways with which to define how "special" and "unique" I am. These last few months since finishing my undergrad have been so unsexy and so day-to-day that I think I've been depressed. Very accustomed to the constant demands of school and research once I reached the promised land of graduation and free time I, like many others, didn't know what to do with what I'd wanted once I'd gotten it.

Add to that the irritation I feel at not being "unique" all the time plus no flashy future plans and I cooked up a nice pot of anxiety steeped days. Now as time inches closer and closer to the one scheduled activity I have in the next 365 days (a round trip ticket to Chile for 2.5 months), I have to make the decisions I've been dreading. As I tend to fluctuate between rapid fire decisions and months of dragging my feet, I notice that they are both two sides of the same coin: an intense fear of the decision making process. Aaahhh effin' Libra. :)

Still I'm getting used to the slow pace of working part time, doing yoga, doing early morning boot camps, watching hulu, and trying to get on my bike with these last few nice days of Vermont fall. My ego still rages like hell that I'm not off creating some epic movie-style adventure (or at least acting like it at all times) but I'm tired of trying to act like I'm the shit all the time. It's exhausting...now I understand how it must have been like to be around me during my late teens and early twenties. Whew!

Boy, do I love getting older.