Thursday, June 2, 2011
Don't forget yourself
Do something today that makes you really happy. If you're going to be alive, you might as well enjoy some of it. Otherwise, life is regrettable instead of unforgettable. And check out this great link that reminds us of what we really want when our time is short. Also, don't forget that I love you. :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The Nausea of the New
You'd like I'd get used to it, the constant change. It's been a year since I finished my undergrad. I remember I saw myself going to Minnesota for my Masters, then I saw myself staying in Chile, then I saw myself teaching in South Korea and now I am moving back to Chicago. For some reason, I'm still not used to it. There is always new fear that comes spilling out of me, some ethereal nausea of the unknown. But I don't have a choice. When I push against the current of my life there is real nausea, knots of fists in my stomach.
I feel so silly, like a cartoon character forever stuck in a 3 dimensional world, with so many different rules and realities. At the same time, I love it because on the edge there is magic. It's the magic I live for in every new experience. And living with constant change brings me into the present moment where all possibility lies.
I guess I've finally achieved another dream of becoming a super hero. My super power? The gently tending of constant change.
Introducing...THE CHAOS QUEEN!!! :)
I feel so silly, like a cartoon character forever stuck in a 3 dimensional world, with so many different rules and realities. At the same time, I love it because on the edge there is magic. It's the magic I live for in every new experience. And living with constant change brings me into the present moment where all possibility lies.
I guess I've finally achieved another dream of becoming a super hero. My super power? The gently tending of constant change.
Introducing...THE CHAOS QUEEN!!! :)
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A deep spring
I am connected to a deep, cool, quiet spring of love these days. Richly embedded within the intensity of my TEFL certification process is a love that is growing, fossilizing without any forcing or holding back. I am protecting it and holding it close to my heart while watching it with such curiosity, like a new mother watches her first child exploring the world. It seems to be the most natural unfolding ever and I am succeeding at not fixing what is not broken. Instead I make scrambled eggs, listen to recommended Brazilian music, insist on dances in the kitchen and drink coffee in quiet sips between the towering pages of my week long lesson plan. I do not know how this is happening, how all of this is getting done, as if the days have grown an extra 12 hours just to fit in the intense aliveness needed. I do not understand it and so I love it all the more.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Floods
Sometimes regret floods me like a melting spring. It replaces all the synovial fluid of my joints and in turn makes them ache with each effort to move. This blissful forward flow of my current life rewards me constantly but the mind is quick to distract, reclaim me for itself and "what could have been" is an easy tool. It is simply because I love to love people and when there isn't a directly clear focus, there is pain. But how to balance what I want (a life of adventure, expression, creativity, personal growth, freedom) with the life of traditional companionship (settled, home, routine, foundation, safety, relationship growth). I want companionship. I do. If it had to look like staying fixed in one place right now for twenty plus years, I would pull all of my hair out and prove some great guy that I am absolutely crazy.
So the dull stomach ache of regretful floods win out over the hair pulling crazy. That's ok for now.
As my dad would say "You're growing, man, you're growing." Growing like an oak tree. :)
So the dull stomach ache of regretful floods win out over the hair pulling crazy. That's ok for now.
As my dad would say "You're growing, man, you're growing." Growing like an oak tree. :)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Transitions
I'm home for the weekend. Mom's retirement party and my group fitness certification pulled me back to Oakley. I am a solid sort of tired and there is little mind messiness. When it comes, because it always comes, I pull those weeds left and right. I am in a river's full current, almost deafened by the noise and inextricably lead. It's nice, it's good. It feels quiet not to struggle against my life.
Ananda and I went for a field walk yesterday. It was about 80 degrees, bright and sunny, with a nice wind. The rye is growing fast and has shot up to my knees since last weekend. I entered a path unintentionally left by my father in his first attempt to plant the rye. I twirled a piece between my fingers and stride by stride listened to the "shhhhhhhh" of the rye. It bent and blew over itself again and again at the wind's insistence. I suddenly felt a cold drop on my arm, shaking me out of my muscular reverie. Looking up at the sky I noticed a large rain cloud north of the farm. This was a delight for me because one of my favorite things is to be outside when a storm comes. I've been blessed to see two, with one as recently as last month. But this one...it was more like a dance of the weather systems. The rain cloud continued its southward attempt but the sun and wind refused to make way. There I was staring reverently up at the sky feeling the cold drops yet the sun's heat on my face with my ballistically blowing hair and the "shhhhhhhhh"ing of the rye. It was a beautiful five minutes in the weathers' edges with the storm conquering no further southern territory. The north was drenched and we were dry.
When the clouds of my mind come in they fight for my full attention as well; warning me of fears unmanifest and an endless list of "shoulds". In response my sun and wind gently brush by me, bringing me back into my body through my senses. This keeps me still, grounded and I watch. I just watch. Things happen, there is push and pull and I stand in their brushing edges. The rain is on my arms, sun is in my eyes and I listen to the "shhhhhhhhhh".
Ananda and I went for a field walk yesterday. It was about 80 degrees, bright and sunny, with a nice wind. The rye is growing fast and has shot up to my knees since last weekend. I entered a path unintentionally left by my father in his first attempt to plant the rye. I twirled a piece between my fingers and stride by stride listened to the "shhhhhhhh" of the rye. It bent and blew over itself again and again at the wind's insistence. I suddenly felt a cold drop on my arm, shaking me out of my muscular reverie. Looking up at the sky I noticed a large rain cloud north of the farm. This was a delight for me because one of my favorite things is to be outside when a storm comes. I've been blessed to see two, with one as recently as last month. But this one...it was more like a dance of the weather systems. The rain cloud continued its southward attempt but the sun and wind refused to make way. There I was staring reverently up at the sky feeling the cold drops yet the sun's heat on my face with my ballistically blowing hair and the "shhhhhhhhh"ing of the rye. It was a beautiful five minutes in the weathers' edges with the storm conquering no further southern territory. The north was drenched and we were dry.
When the clouds of my mind come in they fight for my full attention as well; warning me of fears unmanifest and an endless list of "shoulds". In response my sun and wind gently brush by me, bringing me back into my body through my senses. This keeps me still, grounded and I watch. I just watch. Things happen, there is push and pull and I stand in their brushing edges. The rain is on my arms, sun is in my eyes and I listen to the "shhhhhhhhhh".
Monday, May 2, 2011
All sorts of good
Disclaimer: I'm ecstatic and exhausted and I'm not going to correct mistakes. Just go with it tonight, folks.
I'm huddled up in my room on a chilly Chicago night. Writing this on the floor so as to not sit on my inflatable mattress with it's slight leak. It's not enough to hear or notice until early morning and your back is on the floor. Not great, but not dreadful either.
Started the day early with a little Zumba, got ready and walked to school. It is a beautiful 20+ minute walk with flowers and trees blooming and beautifully crafted houses right next to one another here on the north side. School was from 10-4 with a 30 minute interlude for lunch. The 9 person crew is all women except for one and it is an ecclectic group. People with Korean, Iranian, Tanzanian, Polish threads longing to go back or maybe just Spain. We are all very verbal and get along quite well and we had a smashing good time. From 4-5 my crew of three teachers got prepped on our practicum ie actually teaching which would happen at 5:30pm. Around 5:30 folks came trickling in from Turkey, Russia, China, Korea, Taiwan, Spain and Poland. I had a challenging but fun time with my students with simple speaking and prononciation exercises. But my favorite moment was trying to explain a "muffin top" to one of my students. There are some things are tough to convey.
Walked home around 8pm to go out to dinner with my Chilean friend Carlos, a Physics PhD student at the U of I in Chicago. We have the same birthday and had a great time chatting, eating burgers and he showed me where he takes blues guitar lessons at the Folk Music Center by my house.
I"m so tired, so happy and just so at home being around people from all over the world. I don't stick out here, I"m not special, I'm just another adventurer in a room full of adventurers. It's freakin' delicious, nothin' better.
Good times. And I'm listening to Led Zeppelin's "When The Levee Breaks" right now which talks about going to Chicago. So glad I did.
I'm huddled up in my room on a chilly Chicago night. Writing this on the floor so as to not sit on my inflatable mattress with it's slight leak. It's not enough to hear or notice until early morning and your back is on the floor. Not great, but not dreadful either.
Started the day early with a little Zumba, got ready and walked to school. It is a beautiful 20+ minute walk with flowers and trees blooming and beautifully crafted houses right next to one another here on the north side. School was from 10-4 with a 30 minute interlude for lunch. The 9 person crew is all women except for one and it is an ecclectic group. People with Korean, Iranian, Tanzanian, Polish threads longing to go back or maybe just Spain. We are all very verbal and get along quite well and we had a smashing good time. From 4-5 my crew of three teachers got prepped on our practicum ie actually teaching which would happen at 5:30pm. Around 5:30 folks came trickling in from Turkey, Russia, China, Korea, Taiwan, Spain and Poland. I had a challenging but fun time with my students with simple speaking and prononciation exercises. But my favorite moment was trying to explain a "muffin top" to one of my students. There are some things are tough to convey.
Walked home around 8pm to go out to dinner with my Chilean friend Carlos, a Physics PhD student at the U of I in Chicago. We have the same birthday and had a great time chatting, eating burgers and he showed me where he takes blues guitar lessons at the Folk Music Center by my house.
I"m so tired, so happy and just so at home being around people from all over the world. I don't stick out here, I"m not special, I'm just another adventurer in a room full of adventurers. It's freakin' delicious, nothin' better.
Good times. And I'm listening to Led Zeppelin's "When The Levee Breaks" right now which talks about going to Chicago. So glad I did.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Chicago!!!
Just a quick blurb. Am exquisitely set up in Chicago at approx 20 min walking distance from my TEFL institute in a beautiful neighborhood with an adorable family of two parents, two dogs and three 7 and 8 year old girls on the weekends. I have a FULL bedroom thanks to my friend Zack Miller from my old rock band days and am so comfortably set up I can't imagine a better way to go. So so SOOOOO grateful!!! Life truly is conspiring wonderful things as I push forward on this adventure.
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